Looking back….

I wish I was one of those people who always new the were queer. Like I wish I could look back and be like ” I was a pretty gay kid’. I wasn’t though. If I had been, it would have saved me a lot of confusion and sadness. It’s funny because I had all these hints…

One of my biggest hints was my obsession with the Harry Potter movies. Particularly the third movie, The Prisoner of Azkaban. I was about 13( possibly 14) when the movie came out. I received the movie for Christmas that year, and I watched almost every day. Not because of the plot or anything. Don’t get me wrong, I love the Harry Potter books and movies, but my reason for watch was because of one of the actors. Not Daniel Radcliff, like my mom thought. My reason for watching that movie was for Emma Watson.

Emma Watson made me feel confused for the first time. The thoughts she put in my head. She has boobs now. Why do I care if she has boobs? She should kiss Harry. If I were Harry, I’d want to kiss her. I bet she smells  nice. If I hugged her, would our boobs touch? WHY DO I CARE SO MUCH ABOUT HER BOOBS???!!!

Looking back, I realize now that I was attracted to Miss Watson(I still am), but back then, the conservative Mormon tween that I was at that time convinced myself that I wanted to be her best friend. This was something I did up until I realized I was attracted to women at around 18. At 14, I thought my obsession with her boobs was just because I didn’t have any. I was just noticing something that was a bit important to me( I grew up in a family of busty early bloomers and was a busty very late bloomer, and was constantly reminded that I was not an early bloomer). I was convinced my obsession with her was just because she was in movies that I liked.

Now, 10 tears later, I find it very funny that life was throwing me hints about my sexuality that I wasn’t getting at all. There were a bunch more. Like, I was really into lesbians for a while when I was about 16. I was obsessed with South of Nowhere, a TV show about a lesbian couple. I started watching Degrassi because there was a lesbian couple on that. I was always obsessed with feisty female characters that were tomboys in books, on television, and in movies. Even though I was raised to react otherwise, I was never disgusted by gay people or lesbians. In fact, I was friends with a lot of queer kids at my school, and had a bit of an obsession with these seniors who were lesbians and a couple(the one was hot as fuck).

I was super queer on the inside when I was younger. On the outside, not so much. Not because I was trying to hide it, but because I didn’t realize it. I was too naive to recognize the hints. Maybe that was a good thing. It probably was better that I didn’t realize I was queer until I was 18 and living on my own. I can’t imagine how much worse my teen years would;d have been. I was literally one step away from suicide most of my adolescence, thing I was gay may have pushed me over the edge. My family wasn’t, and still isn’t, the most accepting of the LGBTQ community. Being ostracized from them, and my friends at church, may have been too much for me to handle. So maybe the reason I didn’t get the hints my brain was sending me, was because realizing that I was queer would have made me unsafe. Maybe I was just that lucky to not have to go through what could have be an extremely traumatic experience.

I will never know what my life would have been like if I had realize the feelings I had for Emma Watson, other celebrities and a few girls that i knew, were actually attraction. I do know that my life is pretty OK right now. That my family may not understand my sexuality, but they’re working on accepting it. I know I have some very supportive friends in my life. I also know that I am now going to watch Harry Potter. The Prisoner of Azkaban, of course. What can I say, I love Emma Watson.

Gender?

So, I’ve been think personally about the way I define myself. Particularly when it comes to how I see myself in the mirror.

When I look in the mirror, one of the defining labels I have always lacked is gender. Growing up, I have always had trouble with gender. It actually say on all my report card up until the third grade that that I have consistent problems with gender. I never understood the concept of gender. What makes society decide what makes you male or female. Why society says, ‘hey, these a girl things and these are boy things’.

As I got older I accepted society’s label for me. I was born with a vagina and when puberty hit I grew breasts, so I called myself a woman. That is what I was on my birth certificate. On every form, I filled out, I was that little ‘f’.  Up until recently I was OK with the ‘f’ because it was what I was told I was. Recently I had been researching gender/sexuality related topics(see previous post for the reason why). I had actually come across this label( for the record I HATE labels, unless they are on food. I like to know what’s in my food.) on accident, but when I read the definition It was the first thing that actually felt like it fit me. The term is ‘Agender’. The definition of this term is actually a bit confusing as it can mean a few different things. For me it means a lack of gender. I do not define as male of female. When I wake up in the morning I don’t think ‘woman’ and I don’t think ‘man’, I think ‘here’. When I look in the mirror the words I want define my self with are not male or female. I’m not sure at this point what gender I actually am, but its not one of the two that people generally go by. Maybe someday there will be a word for who I truly am and maybe there will not. but for now agender suits me just fine.

Also, for the the interest of anyone reading this post, I no longer define as a lesbian or gay.  I consider myself panromantic. I am sexually attracted to women. I am currently happy with the body parts I possess. That doesn’t mean that someday I won’t be or that I completely 100 percent agree with my dangley and non-dangley bits, but for now, I’m fine with my body. Anyways just an explanation on how I feel about gender. Also, the internet is a beautiful thing,  as without it I would still be going around with all these feelings and no words to put with them. Its Nice to be able to describe what I am to people. It makes people take your feelings more seriously and It can make your feelings feel more real.

 

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About my crush…

So not that long ago I wrote about my crush on a ‘woman’ at work. Well I still might sort of have a crush but the whole situation has taken a bizarre turn.

You noticed that I put the word ‘woman’ in quotes, well that’s because the “woman” at work that I have a crush on is actually a transgender man. He confessed this to me an few days ago, while alone  at the service desk at work.  He told me he is not ‘out’ because it easier to get hired as a woman. He is pre-everything therefore he still looks very much like what a ‘woman’ is supposed to. The next day came out as gay(he likes men). So now I have a crush on a gay trans man. This has been a very strange experience for me. We are becoming pretty good friends so I support him but it has been hard as I feel like I’m insulting him all the time because i say “she’ a lot when talking about him, but generally I see him at work and he’s pretending to be a girl there so it can be extremely confusing. The strangest aspect to this whole situation it the fact that I still have a crush on him. I’m gay so it makes this whole thing weird to me. Maybe I’m still seeing him as ‘her’, which is making me feel guilty, because I should be respecting him as a man and as a gay man. I guess feelings don’t just turn off the second someone tells you they’re not the gender you thought they were, or that they are not attracted to the gender you are currently.

Anyways, this was just a bit of rambling on the strangeness going on in my life right now. 

Being myself

Being myself is one of the hardest things for me. When i was younger, I used to do it easily. As time went on, I let society tell me who I should be instead of me being who I actually am. I feel like the society does that. Makes you less yourself. Makes you feel like your true self is in someway flawed. Like there is something wrong with you. There isn’t though. You are fine. I am fine.

There are times when I wish I was thinner. I used to let it hold me back. I finally realized that I could spend my whole life trying to be thin, trying to fit into other peoples ideas of beauty. Let them set the standard of how I should be. Honestly I let that happen. I became obsessed with losing weight, trying to be thinner. Forcing myself to be unhappy in my pursuit to gain acceptance from others. Trust me when I say that what others have thought about my weight as rarely been positive. I’ve been shouted at on the street, I’ve been teased at home. I was out walking to school one day, and a young man felt the need to shout out ” Where do you think your going you fat fuck?!” I had an aunt who thought it was cute to call me squish and fluffy, and insisted on squeezing me all the time. Both of these situations hurt immensely.  Though my aunt, didn’t mean to hurt me, the young man did. Society told him that my weight was unacceptable and that it was ok for him to be cruel to me. Its my fault I’m fat, if I didn’t want to be shouted at, I would just lose the weight. I know society told him that because society has told me that too. That if I want to be accepted, I should have to change in someway.

My weight isn’t the only thing that society made me feel self conscious about. I used to hate the way I looked. I refused to take a picture without makeup on or for the longest time leave my house without it on. I was afraid someone would judge me. I felt I was not pretty enough without makeup, that all ‘pretty’ girls took a large amount of time to look good. Eventually I realized I’m fine just the way I am. I began to feel better about my weight after reaching some ‘popularity’ on Facebook a while back. There were men and women who would add me and the proceed to tell me how beautiful I was(it should be noted that I was still going through my refusal to be seen without makeup phase) and how the found my weight to be attractive. I realized that I didn’t need to wear makeup all the time to be ‘pretty’ when i took a photo of myself one day, checking to see how my hair looked. I saw myself, happy and smiling and realized I like the way my face looked without makeup. I promptly stopped wearing makeup. I still take care of my looks, don’t get me wrong, but now I focus on making sure my natural beauty is preserved, rather than cake on chemicals daily that I don’t need. Also if it takes longer than twenty minutes, I refuse to do it(unless I’m attending a special event.)

I’m still learning to be myself. I’m learning that I may not have that many people who enjoy my personality, but I shouldn’t want to spend time with people that don’t like my personality anyways.

I’m getting better at being me. Its taking a while, but I’m getting there.

A Crush

I have a crush. I hate saying those words. As if I’m 12 years old, pining for some boy I’ve seen in the hallway. Nonetheless, I have a crush. Not on some boy in the hallway. I have a crush on a woman at work.

She is funny, sweet and helpful. She’s weird, my kind of weird. She makes me feel less alone. She literally made my day by complimenting my hair clip. She has short hair and wears ties. She likes Harry Potter. Even though I’ve only known her a short while, she encourages me to be myself. Even if nothing romantic happens between us,which I doubt there will, its still nice to have a crush. This cheerful, tummy full of butterflies feeling.

I hope I get to know her better. I feel as though I want her in my life for a very long time.

A formal Introduction

Hello there, this is my first blog. Someone once told me I should write a blog, so here we go.
First things first, lets start with some important facts. My name is Linnéa. I have been alive for 23 years. I’m extremely opinionated. I’m sarcastic. I’m a bit rude. I like being alone. I also like being naked.
I’ve been told I’m interesting. Let’s hope that’s true.