So, I’ve been think personally about the way I define myself. Particularly when it comes to how I see myself in the mirror.
When I look in the mirror, one of the defining labels I have always lacked is gender. Growing up, I have always had trouble with gender. It actually say on all my report card up until the third grade that that I have consistent problems with gender. I never understood the concept of gender. What makes society decide what makes you male or female. Why society says, ‘hey, these a girl things and these are boy things’.
As I got older I accepted society’s label for me. I was born with a vagina and when puberty hit I grew breasts, so I called myself a woman. That is what I was on my birth certificate. On every form, I filled out, I was that little ‘f’. Up until recently I was OK with the ‘f’ because it was what I was told I was. Recently I had been researching gender/sexuality related topics(see previous post for the reason why). I had actually come across this label( for the record I HATE labels, unless they are on food. I like to know what’s in my food.) on accident, but when I read the definition It was the first thing that actually felt like it fit me. The term is ‘Agender’. The definition of this term is actually a bit confusing as it can mean a few different things. For me it means a lack of gender. I do not define as male of female. When I wake up in the morning I don’t think ‘woman’ and I don’t think ‘man’, I think ‘here’. When I look in the mirror the words I want define my self with are not male or female. I’m not sure at this point what gender I actually am, but its not one of the two that people generally go by. Maybe someday there will be a word for who I truly am and maybe there will not. but for now agender suits me just fine.
Also, for the the interest of anyone reading this post, I no longer define as a lesbian or gay. I consider myself panromantic. I am sexually attracted to women. I am currently happy with the body parts I possess. That doesn’t mean that someday I won’t be or that I completely 100 percent agree with my dangley and non-dangley bits, but for now, I’m fine with my body. Anyways just an explanation on how I feel about gender. Also, the internet is a beautiful thing, as without it I would still be going around with all these feelings and no words to put with them. Its Nice to be able to describe what I am to people. It makes people take your feelings more seriously and It can make your feelings feel more real.