I wish I was one of those people who always new the were queer. Like I wish I could look back and be like ” I was a pretty gay kid’. I wasn’t though. If I had been, it would have saved me a lot of confusion and sadness. It’s funny because I had all these hints…
One of my biggest hints was my obsession with the Harry Potter movies. Particularly the third movie, The Prisoner of Azkaban. I was about 13( possibly 14) when the movie came out. I received the movie for Christmas that year, and I watched almost every day. Not because of the plot or anything. Don’t get me wrong, I love the Harry Potter books and movies, but my reason for watch was because of one of the actors. Not Daniel Radcliff, like my mom thought. My reason for watching that movie was for Emma Watson.
Emma Watson made me feel confused for the first time. The thoughts she put in my head. She has boobs now. Why do I care if she has boobs? She should kiss Harry. If I were Harry, I’d want to kiss her. I bet she smells nice. If I hugged her, would our boobs touch? WHY DO I CARE SO MUCH ABOUT HER BOOBS???!!!
Looking back, I realize now that I was attracted to Miss Watson(I still am), but back then, the conservative Mormon tween that I was at that time convinced myself that I wanted to be her best friend. This was something I did up until I realized I was attracted to women at around 18. At 14, I thought my obsession with her boobs was just because I didn’t have any. I was just noticing something that was a bit important to me( I grew up in a family of busty early bloomers and was a busty very late bloomer, and was constantly reminded that I was not an early bloomer). I was convinced my obsession with her was just because she was in movies that I liked.
Now, 10 tears later, I find it very funny that life was throwing me hints about my sexuality that I wasn’t getting at all. There were a bunch more. Like, I was really into lesbians for a while when I was about 16. I was obsessed with South of Nowhere, a TV show about a lesbian couple. I started watching Degrassi because there was a lesbian couple on that. I was always obsessed with feisty female characters that were tomboys in books, on television, and in movies. Even though I was raised to react otherwise, I was never disgusted by gay people or lesbians. In fact, I was friends with a lot of queer kids at my school, and had a bit of an obsession with these seniors who were lesbians and a couple(the one was hot as fuck).
I was super queer on the inside when I was younger. On the outside, not so much. Not because I was trying to hide it, but because I didn’t realize it. I was too naive to recognize the hints. Maybe that was a good thing. It probably was better that I didn’t realize I was queer until I was 18 and living on my own. I can’t imagine how much worse my teen years would;d have been. I was literally one step away from suicide most of my adolescence, thing I was gay may have pushed me over the edge. My family wasn’t, and still isn’t, the most accepting of the LGBTQ community. Being ostracized from them, and my friends at church, may have been too much for me to handle. So maybe the reason I didn’t get the hints my brain was sending me, was because realizing that I was queer would have made me unsafe. Maybe I was just that lucky to not have to go through what could have be an extremely traumatic experience.
I will never know what my life would have been like if I had realize the feelings I had for Emma Watson, other celebrities and a few girls that i knew, were actually attraction. I do know that my life is pretty OK right now. That my family may not understand my sexuality, but they’re working on accepting it. I know I have some very supportive friends in my life. I also know that I am now going to watch Harry Potter. The Prisoner of Azkaban, of course. What can I say, I love Emma Watson.